Your dad has been pestering me for a while to write this letter but life has been such a whirlwind since you were born that I have only just found time to write to you. I have just put you to sleep and even though I am fighting to keep my eyes open,I thought I would write this.
Its strange how your birth has made me think so much about my mortality. It’s almost like for the first time I feel I am alive and in the same chain of thought I feel that I have to die…eventually. And the thought scares me, again for the first time because now I have you to think about.
You know I was so sure before I became a parent, that I would be a good one but since the day you were born, my mind has been full of doubts whether the decisions I am taking for you are good or bad.
Sometimes when you cry, I know you are hungry or sleepy or just in pain…but there are times when I fail to understand and I can’t put in words the feeling of helplessness I experience in those moments…all I can do at that time is to pick you up and hold you close to my heart to listen to the rhythm of the heart beat that you once followed when you were inside me.
Most times, it calms you down but I know there will come a day more than once in the future, when I would be unable to understand your language and I wouldn’t be able to pick you up, like I do now. In those moments, just breathe and listen to your own heartbeat. I will do the same and I am sure we might just be able to connect, once again…
Your dad and I, we want to do the best for you but we realize that maybe our best wouldn’t be enough. So I will just make a promise instead. No matter where you are, no matter what you do…no matter whether you have spoken to us in years or not, no matter how far you have gone, I promise,you will always have a home to come back to.
Be fearless, Shivaan. Rebel, if you have to…fight, if you need to. Stand up, if you must. Even if it is against me. But on the way of fighting for yourself, don’t forget to love…don’t forget to smile…don’t forget the joy of just being…
It might take years for you to figure out who you are and what is your purpose in life, but take one piece of advice from me, if you can. Have a child. Or adopt one. Or do both, if you can.
Because there is an emotion in this universe which I call ‘limitless happiness’… You won’t experience it if you climb the Mount Everest.You won’t experience it if you become the richest man on this planet. You won’t experience it even if you fall in love. But you will experience it if you have a small little finger clasped tightly around yours. Wrapped between that tiny finger and the thumb is your entire world, just like you are mine, now. The colour of that joy is pure white.
It has all the colours in it.
So there. Eight and a half months poured out here in this letter. I want to say more but I am sure you will give me enough chances in the future :).
I will now make dad read this letter and I know exactly how he will react. You guessed it right. A tear swimming in the corner, knowing that each thought above is not just how I feel…its how we feel…after all, he saw you entering this world…
Love you always Shivaan
P.S Like I said, there will be enough chances in the future to add postscripts…